View Full Version : Official Joke Thread V-2.0
phony54
04-18-2008, 07:35 AM
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test.
I can’t do that because I’m an asthmatic,” says the man. “The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack.”
So the cop suggests a urine sample.
“Can’t do it,” says the man. “I’m a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it.”
“Well,” says the angry cop, “why don’t you just get out o fthe car and walk this white line?”
“Sorry,” says the man, “but I can’t do that either.”
“Why not?” asks the officer.
“Because I’m drunk.”
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
phony54
04-24-2008, 10:13 AM
Woman: 'No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the
Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only
supposed to be for kids.'
Man: 'Well, I always thought it was just because he was a
rabbit and not a person.'
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: 'What's wrong?'
Woman: 'I'm just really getting tired of you always being
wrong.'
OGreaTFuzzY1
04-24-2008, 03:05 PM
In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper, Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.
Generations are grouped as follows:
- The Silent generation, people born before 1945.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.
- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.
Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
http://llnw.content.jibjab.com/content/49cb4762418283b9195e8de0aebf3e1ed4cf08e8
~Fuzzy
Blue ZX2
04-25-2008, 08:12 AM
18 Year old girl goes the gynecology for the first time for an exam.
Gynecology: This is your first time for an exam?
18 Year Old Girl: Yes Doctor.
Gynecology: Are you a little nervous?
18 Year Old Girl: Yes Doctor.
Gynecology: Would you like me to numb it down there?
18 Year Old Girl: Yes Doctor.
Gynecology: num, num, num, num...
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
RedRacer99
05-02-2008, 01:10 AM
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.' 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
RedRacer99
05-02-2008, 01:14 AM
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:
"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
RedRacer99
05-02-2008, 08:52 AM
isn't that the damned truth... today's world is ridiculous
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Mens Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
mellowness65
05-10-2008, 12:40 AM
A woman came to the checkout in a grocery store. The clerk being ever so observant, noticed she had many single-serving meals and everything in small servings. "Are you single?" the clerk asked. "How did you know?" the woman was surprised and happy someone would notice her this much. "Is it because of the individual sized things I'm buying?" "No, it's because you are ugly" the clerk replied.
Blue ZX2
05-11-2008, 03:19 PM
When told the reason for daylight saving time the
old Indian said...
"Only a white man would believe that you could cut
a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the
bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."
Blue ZX2
05-11-2008, 03:19 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around
blue_2001
05-19-2008, 04:58 PM
Man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occassions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
Buster
05-20-2008, 08:33 AM
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?''
'Yep they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's' names.'
'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all
named Leighroy.
In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes, it make it easier. When it's time to get
'em out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for
dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to
stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy and all of 'em
stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?'
'Well, then I calls them by their last name.'
EmoRebellion
05-23-2008, 01:01 PM
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"
The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
4. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
5. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
6. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem
nike13857
05-29-2008, 03:15 PM
like #3 and your sig.
and I LOVE #4
Beodude123
06-04-2008, 10:14 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
There was a car coming.
To prove to the possum it could actually be done!
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Othello: Jealousy.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?" "Because it was stapled to the chicken."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mohammed Aldouri (Iraqi ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it
Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? Where do they get these chickens?"
Beodude123
06-05-2008, 12:55 AM
Boy, you just got all the answers, don't you?
Boy, you just got all the answers, don't you?
not really, google does. lol
2KZX2
06-07-2008, 01:16 AM
not really, google does. lol
What about ask.com?
Noly poelop taht gvie gdoo hdae cna udnesrtn wtah thsi mesgeas sysa!
raider
06-10-2008, 04:33 PM
Noly poelop taht gvie gdoo hdae cna udnesrtn wtah thsi mesgeas sysa!
speak american
***Warning this joke may contain something offensive. I'm in no way trying to personally offend anyone, just adding a joke that most find funny. If this doesn't offend you great, then you have a great sense of humor, if you are offended, please let me know and I will personally remove this joke, myself. No mod would need to unless I wasn't on the board at that time. Please let me know via PM. Thanks and Enjoy.***
What do black women get when they have an abortion?
A thank you note from the welfare dept, and $200 from crime stoppers.
capitalcrew
06-10-2008, 04:34 PM
It would be speak English, not speak American, FYI.
speak american
It is....cause that's all I can speak...lol...its just alittle jumbled...i still don't know what it says....but if you find out let me know. :)
raider
06-10-2008, 04:36 PM
It would be speak English, not speak American, FYI.
american is a language
***Warning this joke may contain something offensive. I'm in no way trying to personally offend anyone, just adding a joke that most find funny. If this doesn't offend you great, then you have a great sense of humor, if you are offended, please let me know and I will personally remove this joke, myself. No mod would need to unless I wasn't on the board at that time. Please let me know via PM. Thanks and Enjoy.***
What does a 300lb woman and a 300lb pallet of bricks have in common?
Sooner or later theyl'll both get laid by a Mexican.
american is a language
No its not....its who we are....its like a culture....and stuff...not what we speak. :)
Would it be sexual harrassment if a midget walked by you and told you your hair smelled good?
Did you know beer doesn't make you fat?
It makes you lean..................
Against walls, floors, chairs, tables, and ugly people.;)
2KZX2
06-10-2008, 08:48 PM
Noly poelop taht gvie gdoo hdae cna udnesrtn wtah thsi mesgeas sysa!
only people that give good head can understand what this message says!
What about people who paid attention in english class?
nike13857
06-11-2008, 04:00 AM
only people that give good head can understand what this message says!
What about people who paid attention in english class?
What english class did you attend? lol :rastanana:
2KZX2
06-11-2008, 10:20 PM
What english class did you attend? lol :rastanana:
collage prep writing and collage prep lit.
Beodude123
06-11-2008, 10:59 PM
Want to know a good joke? Look down in your pants (except the girls)... HAHAHAHAHAH!
2KZX2
06-11-2008, 11:12 PM
"Hanes"?
capitalcrew
06-11-2008, 11:16 PM
That 12 inch monster in your moms mouth? I am confused.. I don't get it. :shrug:
Beodude123
06-11-2008, 11:33 PM
Ooooh busting out the Mom jokes. Sad man, just sad.
RedRacer99
06-11-2008, 11:49 PM
yo momma's so nasty when she walks into the woods, the trees piss on her!
yo momma's so nasty when she stands in the shower, the water goes around her
yo momma's so nasty, catshit buries itself
yo momma's so nasty, when she gets out of the tub, the water looks like pepsi
yo momma's so nasty, she stops birdshit in mid-air
yo momma's so dumb, when she found out she was pregnant with you, she asked the doctor "is it mine?"
eskimowife
06-12-2008, 01:45 AM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all t he next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, Come on... take a guess!
Think about it...
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
powder
06-12-2008, 03:10 AM
lol
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?
raider
06-17-2008, 09:35 PM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all t he next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................
OH, Come on... take a guess!
Think about it...
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
LMAO
Math teach asks, "What comes after 69?" The blonde says, "You wash your hands then wash your mouth. DUH!"
random_hero
06-22-2008, 04:12 PM
my sex life.
raider
06-22-2008, 04:17 PM
my sex life.
wtf
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,
'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
wtf
That was the joke...lol
Buster
06-24-2008, 09:01 AM
That was the joke...lol
A funny joke too. :D
Buster
06-25-2008, 11:08 AM
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"
The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States."
St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"
And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."
(Must've had Hillary as VP!)
Sex is like paintball. You play hard for about 30mins, get hot and sweat and when its over....your just glad you didn't get shot in the face.
2KZX2
06-25-2008, 06:56 PM
Sex is like paintball. You play hard for about 30mins, get hot and sweat and when its over....your just glad you didn't get shot in the face.
30 minutes! you must go the scenic route :D.
Buster
06-26-2008, 07:51 AM
30 minutes? Amateur. :P
MindSpinZX2
06-26-2008, 11:46 PM
A guy sees his ex at a bar, goes to her and says, " you know, I had the wildest, greatest sex with a stranger last night, and I just could not stop thinking about you the whole time."
His ex replies, " Oh, that's sweet, you really miss me, don't you?"
"No," he said, "it kept me from cumming too quick"
MindSpinZX2
06-26-2008, 11:52 PM
A guy drives accross a bridge and gets pulled over.
The cop comes up to the car and says, "going a little fast weren't you? What's the hurry?"
"You gotta let me go officer, I have to get to work."
The cop replies, "yeah, what do you do that's so important?"
"Well," said the man, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A rectum stretcher?!?"
"Yes officer, what I do is I take the rectum, stick a finger in, then another, then another, until it begins to stretch. Then you just stretch and stretch until it's 6 feet wide."
The cop looks puzzled. "Well what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The man replies, "We give them radar guns and put them at the end of bridges."
30 minutes? Amateur. :P
It was just a joke.
I've only played paintball once, and it was for about 2 hours. So HA!
2KZX2
06-27-2008, 09:22 AM
It was just a joke.
I've only played paintball once, and it was for about 2 hours. So HA!
Weak, I played for a whole weekend once.
Definition of Fucked: A man has a truck note, a house payment, a wife, AND a girlfriend, and their all a month late!
Buster
06-27-2008, 02:12 PM
Definition of Fucked: A man has a truck note, a house payment, a wife, AND a girlfriend, and their all a month late!
In 16th Century England, they tried to clean up the streets and prosecute all the prostitutes. So there was a lot of court proceeds from prosecuting all the prostitutes. The charge for having sex for money at that time was described as, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. To speed things along. The officers of the court began using an acronym for the charge, which the first letters of the phrase spelled out the F-Bomb. It became a slang word shortly after and has been around ever since.
Holy shit...you just broke that down...and its not even funny anymore. :(
2KZX2
06-27-2008, 02:51 PM
In 16th Century England, they tried to clean up the streets and prosecute all the prostitutes. So there was a lot of court proceeds from prosecuting all the prostitutes. The charge for having sex for money at that time was described as, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. To speed things along. The officers of the court began using an acronym for the charge, which the first letters of the phrase spelled out the F-Bomb. It became a slang word shortly after and has been around ever since.
One of the interesting things I've learned on this site.
Buster
06-27-2008, 03:00 PM
I just learned there's a place called Coon Valley in Wisconsin.
LMAO....bet there are lots of white sheets running around that town...
RedRacer99
06-27-2008, 04:02 PM
figured i'd share some not so common knowledge. the word shit actually is an acronym. back in colonial times, the main method of long distant transportation was boat. among one of the major exports of countries was fertilizer to help grow crops. fertilizer like many exports were stored below deck in the main storage space of the boat. if the boat had a leak, the fertilizer would become wet, and as we know, when manure gets wet, it becomes more potent and releases a strong methane gas. Back then, the main method of lighting was also fire via lanterns. when the lanterns hit the methane gas, it would ignite sometimes causing the ship to explode. therefore a warning was passed when shipping fertilizer. Store High In Transit or simply, SHIT.
2KZX2
06-27-2008, 10:20 PM
^ Where do you find this?
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
True Floridians Know...
1.. Socks are only for bowling.
2..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
3..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
4..Your winter coat is made of denim.
5..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
6..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
6..Anything under 70 is chilly.
7.You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
8..You could swim before you could read.
9..You have to drive north to get to The South.
10..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
11..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
12..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
13..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
14..You dread love bug season.
15..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list.
They aren't
Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley , Frances ,
Ivan and Jeanne.
16..You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
17..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
18..You were 12 before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
18..'Down South' means Key West
20..You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .
21..Flip-flops are everyday wear.
22..Shoes are for business meetings and church,
23..but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
24..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
25..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
26..You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to Florida
27..You measure distance in minutes .
28..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
29..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
30..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
32. .You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
33..You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer
34..It's not soda, cola, or pop.
it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor:
'What kinda coke you want?'
35..Anything under 95 is just warm.
36..You've hosted a hurricane party.
37..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)
38..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
39..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
40..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than to own a boat yourself.
41..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.
42..You were five before you realized they made houses without pools.
43..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
44..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
45..You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba '.
46..You not only forward this joke to your friends but you understand it
An Irish Point of View on the Election race..
We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .
On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?'
Buster
06-30-2008, 09:18 AM
An Irish Point of View on the Election race..
We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .
On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?'
Good point. We Irishmen are smart. :D
eskimowife
07-01-2008, 12:16 AM
The Birds and the Bees Modern Version
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
the father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!"
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on teamzx2. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then
your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male"
eskimowife
07-01-2008, 12:25 AM
Forget Rednecks... here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say on Alaska:
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by dragging a dead herring for hours hoping something bigger will swim near by, you might live in Alaska. (Hey, salmon are worth it!)
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Fairbanks is the coldest spot in the nation, and Anchorage gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in Alaska. (This is why I don't live in that region)
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Alaska. (We don't even HAVE a Dairy Queen here!)
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in Alaska.
If someone in a Fred Meyer store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you live in Alaska.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Alaska. (No comment, hehe. )
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Alaska. (The people in those villages get awfully lonely...)
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A ALASKAN WHEN:
Vacation means going anywhere south of Prince Rupert for the weekend. (Using any form of transportation other than car means a vacation here)
You measure distance in hours. (I do!)
You know several people who have hit a moose or porcupine more than once.
You have switched from heat to A/C in the same day, and back again. (hehe)
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with ice. (YES!)
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Sitka Spruce.
Down South to you means Seattle. (And you never hear anyone else refer to the rest of the US as "The Lower 48".)
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to high winds.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 20 degrees a little chilly.
You actually understand these jokes, and tell them to all your Alaskan friends.
What a beautiful state *sigh.
zxtwou2
07-01-2008, 12:25 AM
wow...just wow. epic!
Toilet Walls Graffiti:
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts .
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
--Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign , IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
--Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia .
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
-- The Irish Times, Washington , D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana .
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina .
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona .
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana .
God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York , New York .
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .
phony54
07-01-2008, 07:19 AM
http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/fuck.asp
http://www.snopes.com/language/acronyms/shit.asp
Five Minute Management Course!!!!!!!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in theBahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Buster
07-03-2008, 12:56 PM
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3023/2634170390_159d4cfac2_o.jpg
I think i've order alot of that stuff before...
Buster
07-03-2008, 01:06 PM
You had Goo in Hand?
Not at first...I ordered SUM YUNG CHICK...and ended the meal with GOO IN HAND....;)
powder
07-03-2008, 01:28 PM
I think you got Cum Too Soon.
DOUGIESTYL
07-03-2008, 01:29 PM
zx2loon goes into a bar and asks the bartender about this pickle jar filled with $5 bills. The bartender begins to tell him that if he contributes $5 and completes three tasks that he wins ALL of it! The guy's curious and asks what the three tasks are. And the bartender says:
1- "there's an old, ornery goat out back that needs milked, but nobody can get near it. If you can fill up a gallon bucket, then you've completed the first task"
2- "The owner's pitbull has an abcessed tooth and the vet wants too much money to pull it, so if you can pull that tooth you've completed two of three."
3- "You see that fat, nasty bitch in the corner? That's the owner! She want's a little physical attention!"
So loon finishes his drink, drops his $5 in the jar, and heads out the back with a bucket. After about an hour of commotion, he came back in with a bucket of goat's milk, and ordered a double. He downed that double and went to the storage room, where the bartender had told him the pitbull was waiting. It sounded like a modern day torture as you could hear clothes ripping, shelves banging, and bottles breaking. After three whole hours of this, loon came out proudly and asked "Now where's that fat bitch that needs the tooth pulled?!
capitalcrew
07-03-2008, 01:49 PM
Lmfao
Damn that's old...but still funny.
BEFORE MARRIAGE
Husband---Ah...I can hardly wait!
Wife-- Do you want me to leave?
Husband---NO! Don't even think about it
Wife-- Do you love me?
Husband---Of Course! Always have and always will!
Wife-- Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband---No! Why are you even asking?
Wife-- Will you kiss me?
Husband---Every chance I get!
Wife-- Will you hit me?
Husband---Hell no! Are you crazy?
Wife-- Can I trust you?
Husband---Yes
Wife-- Darling
After Marriage-----read from the bottom up.
Sunday Morning Sex
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's
house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come
along.'
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'. Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man
enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gram ps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.
I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking dick!"
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with bent wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"
I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
Buster
07-11-2008, 08:43 AM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** **********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
************************************************** **********
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** ********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her first class wasn't going to Jamaica".
On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arrive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
A few minutes later, he comes on again:
"Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."
After another few minutes, he comes on again:
"Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."
After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started to bounce out of control. She tried to hang on with all of her might, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce on the ground and the horse didn't even stop or slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the ride.
Thank goodness for heroes
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Buster
07-22-2008, 09:21 AM
Q. Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
A. The, uhhh, implication that I crossed the road is absurd on its face. I have always been firmly on this side of the road. From the time I graduated from Harvard and dedicated my life to helping the people as a neighborhood organizer, I have tirelessly worked for this side of the road. Now, if you want to talk about crossing the road, then you need to look at John McCain. John McCain's been chattering on and on about "reaching across the aisle," and what is "reaching across the aisle," if not literally "crossing the road"? To insinuate that I am some kind of "flip-flopper" is the kind of divisive rhetoric that distracts us from the genuine issues we are facing, and I will not take part in the politics of personal destruction when we are trying to save this nation from the disaster that has been visited upon us for the last six years by an incurious alcoholic and his rich oil buddies. Further, we are trying to transcend race and take questions of race off the table and you express this idea that African Americans are not fit to be on the same sidewalk as you, showing that you are a typical white person. And I am sure you are implying that there is a "left" and a "right" side of the street. It is unfair and off limits for you to make any judgements about my political philosophy, because that is not the point, John McCain may be an aging reactionary, but I will not be distracted from my, truly, our, quest to leave the divisive politics of the past behind, and look only to the future with eyes of hope and bring you change you can believe in. Yes, we can!
Buster
07-22-2008, 09:57 AM
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a
couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said 'I haven't got any money! I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said 'not
until you have at least seen my demonstration'.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said 'Well I hope you've got a
@!#$ good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'
Yo momma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
Yo momma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.
Yo momma's so big, she roller-skates on busses.
Yo momma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
Yo momma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip `n Slide.
Yo momma's so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.
Yo momma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
Yo momma's so big, she whistles bass.Yo momma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
Yo momma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
Yo momma's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.
Yo momma's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!
Yo momma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.
Yo momma's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?
Mrs Pac Man, for $.25 that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
You got to love George!
state mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
RedRacer99
08-02-2008, 10:14 AM
i think you got indiana mixed up, lol.. we are the corn state
A penis says to his balls, "I'm takin' yall out to a party!"..The balls say, "Your fucking liar! You always go inside and leave us outside knocking!!!"
Accident
In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now what da hell would you say?!"
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."
EmoRebellion
08-22-2008, 12:14 PM
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
raider
08-22-2008, 01:14 PM
^lol
o0scorchin
08-26-2008, 01:41 AM
haha these are all sweet!
Buster
08-26-2008, 12:01 PM
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y61/lindilu/RN2/ATT21863412.jpg
EmoRebellion
08-29-2008, 10:48 AM
http://indiefilmla.com/blur_comic_001.jpg
Buster
08-29-2008, 01:27 PM
While dressing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be the president.
The old rancher said, ''Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle,' ''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ''post turtle'' was. The old rancher said, ''When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.' ''
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
''You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb fool put him up there!''
Buster
08-29-2008, 01:28 PM
I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine the other day who she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, who are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
SoCalZX2
08-29-2008, 01:35 PM
I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine the other day who she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, who are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
Hehe, thats about the same as the college student who's a DEM vs her dad whos a REP lol. Same points though.
capitalcrew
08-29-2008, 02:35 PM
I was talking to the little girl of a friend of mine the other day who she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, who are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'but you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
outkastrooster
08-29-2008, 10:14 PM
Old man and old woman are boating down a river.They come to a fork in the river and the old guy says "up or down" .the woman rips off her clothes and they proceed to have se* on the boat ,they come to another fork in river and the man again ask "up or down" she sighs and rips off her clothes again .they proceed to do it again on the boat ,well this goes on all day.They get back to port and the man with a huge smile on his face says "i had a wondeful time would you like to do this again next weekend? She sighs and says "yes" ....
so the weekend is here and they start out again on theeir boat ride .They come to a fork in river and guys is jumping for an answer so he asked"up or down" she sighs and says"up" ,no se* or nothing so they go up river and get to the next fork and the guy smiles and says "up or down" .She says "down" and again no sex ! the guy is frustrated and finally ask the old lady "di you have fun last weekend " and she says of course." are you having fun this weekend? yes why do you ask
he said "well last weekend when i said up or down you ripped off all your clothes and we had sex on the boat" The woman sighs big time and says
"I am so sorry last weekend i was not wearing my hearing aids and when you said UP or DOWN i thought you said
F*ck or drowned!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
JonsZX2SR
09-01-2008, 11:44 AM
http://www.teamzx2.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=1983&stc=1&d=1220291015
Buster
09-02-2008, 06:17 AM
^Phelps........................................... .^the French :D
JonsZX2SR
09-19-2008, 02:50 PM
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
GEORGE W. BUSH and DICK CHENEY: The reason we blew the chicken away and invaded all the chicken coops is satellite evidence showed it was going across the road to get weapons of mass destruction to be used against American citizens.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken better cross the road when I tell it to. Otherwise I'm going to fire the chicken and appoint one more loyal to my administration.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
Sarah Palin (ver. 2): I want my fundamentalist version of why the chicken crossed the road taught "side by side" with the current accepted viewpoint.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER (CNN): We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay , too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Swiper
09-21-2008, 08:08 PM
Lots of hilarious jokes.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds
Zx2 puller
09-25-2008, 10:19 PM
:rofl:
nastynate
10-01-2008, 11:41 AM
collage prep writing and collage prep lit.
you can't even spell college correctly!
Buster
10-01-2008, 11:50 AM
http://www.comics.com/comics/sam/archive/images/sam2002445681001.gif
nastynate
10-02-2008, 07:18 AM
tiger woods, roger federer, and mark mcguire are all on a trip when their car breaks down. the only place they find to stay is with an old farmer and his family in the rooms in the attic. "i don't mind givin yall a place to stay as long as yall abey my rulz, don't stick yer pecker in the holes in the floor" confused they agree and head up to the rooms. tiger woods is in his room practicing his putting and after he sinks three balls in the hole curiousity gets the best of him and he drops his pants and sticks his wiener in it. in just a few seconds someone starts to suck on it. mark mcguire is layin on his bed casually tossing a ball into the air when he drops it and it rolls onto the hole. just like tiger, he is curious and sticks his steriod shrunken wiener in the hole. after a little bit some one starts to suck on it. federer is chillin playin the ball of the wall and he mishits dives for the save and misses landing with his face right next to the hole. so he sticks his cock in it like everyone else and after a few seconds a quiet jingling gets close and then someone starts to lick his dick like they knew what they were doing. the next morning at breakfast the farmer casually said, "how'd it go" they looked at one another and tiger said "it was alright a lil too much teeth." the farmer said, "you musta been ova my daughters room" mcguire said, "it was good nothin too special" the farmer laughed, "ya thats wat i sed, thats my wife's room" federer smiled and blurted, "it was the best blowjob i've ever had, i've never had anyone do those kind of things to me!" the farmer busted out laughing and asked, "did you hear jingling before it started?" "ya, why?" federer asked "because you got my dogs room!!!"
the moral to this story: when it comes to tennis players and women, they always choose the dog!
Buster
10-21-2008, 11:12 AM
Bill had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. Bill began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. Bill stopped for a moment by the river, in shock, and then ran off smiling and singing "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Buster
10-21-2008, 11:12 AM
Boooooooooooooooooo!
Buster
10-22-2008, 10:17 AM
http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/28/l_f90ffe6401a34a8594bd7fd9e50f5d93.jpg
Buster
10-23-2008, 11:06 AM
http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/6019/8xosidmw0.jpg
http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/7840/kejjhyrr2.jpg
http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/5634/nvcvihfr8.jpg
deadbuzzard
10-23-2008, 03:50 PM
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.' :D
Buster
10-24-2008, 07:18 AM
An oldie but a goodie. :)
nvSpeed
10-24-2008, 08:49 AM
Bill had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started work